


make us feel like we're not just mistakes

by punkenigma



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, If You Squint - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It starts off cute, Jared loves Evan, Kleinsen, M/M, Mutual Pining, Protective Evan, Protective Jared, Song fic, Suicidal Thoughts, They both need a Hug, Underage Drinking, almost-college au, are you proud of me, autistic! Jared, evan loves spicy food, i just need mutual comfort, look it ended happy, mutual comfort, not quite sure if this takes place in the canon verse or not, sorta - Freeform, then it hurts you, then its cute again, two bros sitting on a roof top five inches apart cause they are gay, up to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 11:16:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14401017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkenigma/pseuds/punkenigma
Summary: Jared and Evan decide to get drunk on Evan's roof after a long week. What better time to reveal your secrets to each other?





	make us feel like we're not just mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> tis another song fic! this time based of (my favorite song) Misanthropic Drunken Loner by Daze N Days
> 
> I just really wanted to write them getting together, okay? Let them be happy.
> 
> This one turned out kinda long, which is cool. Hope you enjoy?

It was barely dark when the idea came to him. Evan had seemed off all day; on edge, more so than usual that is. Then again, Jared wasn’t exactly all rainbows and sunshine himself, so maybe this was less about Evan than he thought. He ran through the idea and all possible reasons, shitty or not. Was Evan one to need social interaction when he wasn’t okay? Or was that Jared? Was there even a difference between the two anymore? With the frequency at which they had hung out in the past few months, he wasn’t sure. Their personalities started blending together and he wasn’t sure if he liked that either.

Consequences be damned, he called Evan. He was almost positive it would ring out, but at the last second Evan answered.

“Hello?” he asked, voice shaky. Jared swallowed before plastering on a smile. He hoped Evan could hear it through the phone.

“Hey, Hansen! You busy? Thought I might swing by in a bit.”

“Um, no I’m-I’m not busy.”

Jared raised an eyebrow.

“You sure? You sound weird.”

There was a pause. Jared could only assume Evan was nodding, forgetting that Jared couldn’t see him.

“No I’m sure. You can come over. My mom’s working late tonight.”

“Awesome! Figure I’ll be there in thirty? I snuck a bottle of my parents’ wine before my mom got home from work today. You eaten yet?”

“What?”

“Have you eaten yet?” Jared repeated, slower. Evan hesitated.

“Um… no. I’m not hungry.”

Sighing, Jared replied,

“Don’t wanna deal with a delivery person do you?” 

He didn’t give Evan a chance to respond,

“No problem, I’ll pick up some thai food on the way. You still into overly spicy shit?”

“Yes.” Evan replied, meekly. Jared nodded.

“Dope, be there soon.”

 

//

 

Jared rang the doorbell, rocking on his heels. The takeout bag twisted around his wrist, rubbing his skin raw. He scuffed his shoes on the concrete, listening to the padding of feet from inside. The door swung open, revealing a pajama-clad Evan. His hair stuck up every which way and he rubbed at his eyes groggily. Jared’s heart leapt. Clearing his throat, he said,

“Been sleeping without me, Hansen?”

Evan rolled his eyes and muttered ‘shut up’ under his breath. Jared chuckled and looked down at his feet. Evan coughed.

“Do you, um, wanna come in?”

“That was the point of me coming over, yeah?”

“Oh…. yeah, right.”

Jared threw the taller boy a small smile before sliding in passed him. He walked into the kitchen to set the food down. He began unpacking the bag as Evan came in behind him.

“You didn’t have to do this, y’know?”

Jared scoffed.

“If I didn’t you would’ve been perfectly content starving to death instead of ordering anything and we both know neither of us can cook for shit so, yeah I definitely had to.”

He turned to Evan, giving a teasing smile,

“Can’t have you dying on me this close to the start of school.”

Evan laughed and threw his hands up in defeat. It was almost August, which meant almost college. And with college came change, something neither boy enjoyed. There was an unspoken agreement between the two that things wouldn’t change between  _ them _ . This gave some sort of relief, although Jared wouldn’t admit to the slight twinge in his heart. No change at all, no matter the kind. He shook his head, brushing off the thought. Grabbing a polystyrene container, he handed it to Evan.

“Phat si-io with tofu. Medium spice, didn’t know how spicy you were feeling tonight.”

Evan nodded and smiled. Jared grabbed his own food and the wine bottle before following Evan to his room. Jared knew, however, that wasn’t where they were stopping. Evan hated food in his room. Food meant crumbs meant ants, and ants were invaders in his room. As much as Evan loved the outdoors, he also loved when it stayed outdoors. Evan placed the food on his desk and unlatched his window, sliding it open, then walked to the closet. He pulled a blanket from the top shelf and proceed to toss it onto the roof in a haphazard fashion. Finally, he turned to Jared.

“After you,” he gestured.

“What, want me to go first so you can stare at my ass? All you have to do is ask, Evan.”

Jared winked and laughed as Evan’s ears turned pink. He began to stutter incessantly before Jared waved him off, saying,

“I’m kidding, Ev, don’t hyperventilate,” and proceeded to carefully make his way onto the roof. This was something they had done since they were kids, though it had halted temporarily after Evan broke his arm. He seemed to have a newfound fear of heights, or more specifically what could happen  _ at _ said heights. Eventually, he followed Jared onto the roof and spread the blanket out evenly against the surface. The situated themselves, a calm silence engulfing them as they ate. Jared popped open the wine and took a swig. He let out an exaggerated sigh. Evan eyed him, suspiciously.

“Is there something you’re trying to say?” he asked. Jared shook his head.

“Nope,” he replied, popping the ‘p,’ “just trying to get buzzed with my best friend.”

Evan’s heart fluttered a bit. Despite it being months since the first time, he still wasn’t used to openly being claimed as Jared’s friend, let alone best. Jared cleared his throat, extending the bottle to Evan. He took it, muttering a thank you under his breath. Tentatively, he took a sip. The moment it hit his tongue he scrunched up his nose and made a sound of disgust. Jared laughed - a noise that Evan was pretty sure would kill him one day - and took back the bottle.

“Yeah, wine’s never been my thing either. The key, for me, is to just toss it down the hatch. Don’t let it touch your tongue.”

“Why would someone drink something that’s  _ disgusting _ ?” Evan replied, glaring at the offensive bottle. Still chuckling, Jared said,

“Not everyone drinks for the taste, Ev. If they did we’d all be fans of that hard root beer you’re so fond of.”

He teased the last few words and Evan rolled his eyes. At their families’ joint New Years party last year Evan may have had  _ one _ too many hard root beer bottles before Jared and his mom had to cut him off. He didn’t remember much of the conversation after that point, only to wake up the next morning in his bed with a headache he’d rather forget. 

Jared, however, had barely drank at all that night. He remembered Evan’s slurred speech, his whining when Heidi took away his drinking privileges, and how he had fallen asleep draped across Jared. Their parents cooed and he  _ somehow _ got Evan into his room. As he put the taller boy into bed, he had woken up a little. Jared had to reassure him and tell him to go back to sleep, but not before Evan had made his heart stop. As Jared wrestled the comforter onto him, Evan had quietly complained, saying,

“I can’t go to bed  _ yet _ it isn’t even midnight. You have to kiss someone at  _ midnight _ .”

Jared had laughed softly, brushing some of Evan’s hair out of his face.

“Ev, you don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight.”

“Not true! I have Jared…” 

Jared had almost choked, stopping in his tracks. He looked incredulously at the boy in front of him, but he was already dozing back off. It took him a lot of mental counting to keep him from shaking Evan awake again. Instead, he somewhat croaked,

“Why would you kiss Jared at midnight, Ev?”

Mumbling, almost entirely asleep, Evan had replied,

“Cause I wanna kiss him  _ all the time _ .”

A hand brushed his shoulder and Jared jumped, whipping around to see Evan - present Evan,  _ sober _ Evan - staring at him, head cocked to the side. He retracted his hand.

“You alright, Jare?”

“What? Oh, yeah, sorry. Got lost in my train of thought, I guess.”

Evan nodded, understandingly. They both leaned back, not looking directly at one another. Jared bit his lip, trying to conjure something to say. He didn’t have to think long.

“Hey Jare?” Evan asked. 

“Yeah?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”

Jared’s mind began to race, analyzing every possible way this conversation could go. He nodded.

“‘Course you can.”

“This week has been… not fun.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Evan ran a hand through his hair, exasperated, “that my anxiety has been through the goddamn roof and all I’ve wanted to do is curl into a ball, in a hole, closed off by a boulder, and die.”

Jared was frozen, staring at Evan. Of all possible scenarios, this sudden outburst was not one of them. Evan seemed equally as surprised as he wrapped his long arms around his knees. Jared hesitated before scooting closer.

“Evan? Are you… have you ever… do you… do you want to commit suicide?”

The word tasted wrong in his mouth. ‘Evan’ and ‘Suicide’ should never be in the same sentence, not to him. And while he would admit the thought had crossed his mind every once and a while, especially with the way Evan got increasingly more awkward whenever his tumble from a tree was mentioned, he had never fully let himself consider it. The silence coming from Evan was betraying him. What once was comfortable and serene was now the last dangling thread seemingly holding Evan tethered to the ground, to him. Jared reached out, placing a gentle hand on Evan’s shoulder. He shuddered, finally responding

“Yes. Sometimes. Not now, but earlier. It comes and goes.”

Jared’s heart shattered. He swallowed, trying to calculate his next move as to not scare Evan into silence. Staring at his shoes, he sighed. Honesty is the best policy, right?

“Me too.”

Evan’s head snapped toward him so quickly Jared worried he had given himself whiplash.

“W-what?” Evan asked, almost unbelieving. Jared nodded.

“Me too.” He repeated. By the look on Evan’s face, he could tell that there were a hundred things running through his mind at once. After a couple attempts at opening and closing his mouth with abandoned sentences, Evan finally asked,

“ _ Why? _

Jared shrugged, pulling back into his own space. Something flashed across Evan’s face - disappointment? - and Jared replied,

“I don’t know if you noticed, Evan, but I’m not exactly the most popular guy around. When I try to talk to people, they usually roll their eyes or brush me off. I could be a fly trapped in a car with them and there would be no difference in their behavior.”

Evan stayed silent, mouth agape. Jared sighed.

“I guess sometimes it just gets to me. Not being liked. I’ve spent my entire life working on trying to be likeable, or at least  _ normal _ . I was in speech therapy until the fifth grade, occupational until third. Hell, my mom spent most of my childhood trying to teach me how to do the most basic things, like ask someone their name, without getting frustrated and upset and  _ none of it paid off! _ ”

His hands had made their way into his hair and he tugged and pulled before putting his head in between his knees. The silence was overwhelming. The embarrassment was overwhelming. He hadn’t blown up like this in years and  _ never  _ in front of Evan. He knew, of course. They had grown up together. Their moms used to have Friday coffees to discuss the struggles of raising them while he and Evan played in the living room. When they were eight, Evan had asked Jared what Aspergers was. Jared, not being entirely sure himself, rebutted with asking Evan what anxiety was. The conversation had ended there. 

“Jared, do you know how I broke my arm?”

Jared shrugged, not looking up.

“Tree,” he muttered, although it was barely decipherable.

“Yeah, a tree, but that’s not what I meant.”

Evan sighed and Jared turned his head to look at him, brows furrowed. Evan started rubbing his hands on his jeans.

“Since we’re being honest… I was, well, I was at the park and I hadn’t seen my mom in at least a week - our schedules made it nearly impossible - and I was dreading another school year like junior year. I didn’t want to be alone anymore and in that park I was… entirely alone. And angry. And I was just so tired of it.”

Jared knew where this was going. He felt his heart begin to squeeze.

“And I don’t know, maybe I didn’t  _ really _ want to die. I don’t remember going to work that day wanting to die and I don’t remember climbing the tree and wanting to die, but… when I got there, t-to the top, that is, everything was just so peaceful. I was the only person for miles and everything was silent except it was good silent? And I wasn’t used to good silent because the only silent I ever am is awkward silent or bad silent or depressed silent and I was so tired of being  _ silent.  _ I figured that maybe… maybe someone would hear me if I…”

He trailed off. The sentence hung in the air for a moment before Jared mustered up the courage to finish it.

“Jumped…” 

Evan nodded and suddenly all Jared wanted to do was cry. For the past year all he had done was make joke after stupid joke about Evan’s fucking  _ suicide attempt _ . He felt a hand cover his own and squeeze. Finally, Jared made eye contact with the other boy. His blue eyes were misty and though it was dark it was clear to see that he was on the verge of tears. Jared shifted his hand so that they could interlace their fingers. With his free hand, he grabbed Evan’s shoulder. Through tears, he whispered,

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Evan shook his head.

“I didn’t want you to hate me.”

Jared let out a laugh, but it was weak. It was forced. He shook his head vigorously, eyes shut tight, before saying,

“Evan Hansen don’t you dare. I could  _ never _ hate you.”

That was the moment at which Evan broke, tears streaming down his already red face. Jared released his hand before pulling him into a tight hug. Evan clutched to his back, hands balling up the fabric of his shirt, and sobbed. It was loud and messy and left years of fear and self-hatred in its wake, but it was better than keeping them bottled up any longer. Jared found himself crying too, silently. He was the strong one right now. He was Evan’s rock. 

Eventually, Evan calmed down enough to choke out a thank you. Jared shook his head.

“Don’t, you don’t need to. Also, I’m sorry for all of the jokes, especially the acorn ones. Suppose I should change your contact name in my phone, huh?”

This earned a well-needed laugh. Evan shook Jared with it before sitting up and wiping his eyes.

“No, it's okay. I actually like it, the nickname, that is.”

He gave a small smile and Jared’s breath caught in his throat. Despite openly sobbing, despite the messy hair, despite the disheveled  _ everything _ , he was still beautiful. He gulped, finding his eyes flickering to Evan’s lips. He looked down. Their hands had found eachother again.

“Jared?”

Evan’s voice was soft; hesitant. Jared looked up. With barely a moment to process it, Evan’s lips met his. It wasn’t perfect, by any means. It was a little too rough at first and their noses clashed, knocking Jared’s glasses askew. Jared took longer than he’d have liked to to reciprocate, his mind foggy, but it was good.

They pulled back when they needed air. Jared looked at Evan in awe, still unsure of what had just occurred. Evan saw the disbelief in his eyes and laughed, softly. His ears were pink again, as well as Jared’s. Evan squeezed his hand and gently kissed his cheek. Jared smiled wide.

“Think I’ll be changing your contact name afterall, Hansen.”

Evan raised a brow, amused.

“To what?”

“Well… how does ‘Boyfriend’ sound?”

Evan brought their hands to his lips, smiling.

“I’d like that.”


End file.
